Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy Christmas, if That's What You're Hoping For...

Hello Gang. I hope that the 25th of December is passing well for you all. In case it isn't, and even if it is, I thought I'd describe how I'm feeling today.

I'm at my son's, being well looked after by him and his boyfriend. We had great fun yesterday wandering round the German market here in Edinburgh, and today there's been a wonderful meal, with even a veggie option for me. So why have I been tearful for most of the day? And why do I even feel a little suicidal as darkness falls?

I continue to be horrified (and disappointed in myself) that, six years on from the death of the Golfer, I still feel lonely, abnormal and sorry for myself. At the same time, the thought of the rest of my life being like this but with the added delight of getting older every year, makes me feel even worse. I went for a walk on my own while the boys slept off lunch and had a bit of a think...well, actually, I used my little dictaphone-thingy and had a bit of a chat to myself, but I'm embarrassed to admit that in case it makes me look mad - call it an audio diary and I think we can just about get away with it...)

Why can't I 'move on'? I HAVE moved on, generally speaking. I think I have accepted the death of the Golfer. He seems a long time in the past now. And I have worked hard at building a new, albeit single, life - I really have. But, every day, even if only for a few minutes, I feel desperately, wearily sad about my lot. Am I stuck with this feeling for ever?

Actually, I think that this current wave of unhappiness might be a good thing, because it is a real, genuine, honest feeling after years of being brave. I feel as if I am thawing out at last. And, as anyone who has got very cold knows, thawing out is painful.

I really, really believe that next year is going to be the breakthrough year for me. I know I am on the verge of new exciting things - I just am not sre what they are yet.

And I also know that at least part of the reason that I am tearful today is that I have had a bad cold which has left me weak and also I miss my old Jack Russell, who died only a month ago. I miss her warmth and her smell, and I miss doing all the things I had to do for her - she was my little family and now I am alone.

So, a good day at the heart of my shrinking family but a painful one too. Let's hope the pain is a sign of healing. Wherever you are, and however lonely you are, you are always welcome here at Rosehip or Prune.

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