Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Two Paths in a Wood

I've been reviewing my situation, as Fagin said in the movie, and I've come to the conclusion that I have a choice to make. I've been dashing around in ever diminishing circles with one mad idea after another and, frankly, I'm dizzy.

As I've written about here before, when the Golfer died, it happened at practically the same time as my only child trundled off to University. Shortly after, I closed down my little business for various reasons but mainly because it chained me to the house answering the telephone, which isolated me even more than I already was. Consequently I became a widow, an empty-nester and unemployed pretty much all in one fell swoop. I was so busy being brave about it all that it's only now, nearly three years later, that the whole hideous truth is beginning to dawn on me - hence the dizziness.

As I've also written about here recently, I have suddenly begun to want to be in male company again. As I've thawed out, I've realised all the normality of everyday family life that I've lost, and I miss it terribly. I can scarcely bear to be in the house now because it reminds me how alone I am.

Obviously this cannot go on, so I've been trying to think of the best way forward. I've had a brilliant and dynamic new idea every day, and every day the previous one has looked ridiculous. I am now a very confused Puddock.

I realised today that part of the confusion stems from trying to achieve two totally different things - following both the paths in the wood, in fact. Part of me wants, more than anything, to share my daily life with someone again. But I also want to find a new purpose in my life. Living in the middle of nowhere, in a part of the country famed for its reserved people, makes it kinda difficult even to meet people, never mind find a twin soul. So plans to cope with this have included moving to a city - Edinburgh, say, going on a course that will get me meeting interesting people, or finding a job that will do the same.

But is that all I'm looking for in life - a bloke to make it all better?

1 comment:

Widow in the Middle said...

I've been thinking about this post since I first read it. It really resonated with me about how I have felt in wanting to share my life with a partner again and have more of a "family" lifestyle.

In my opinion, widowhood is especially difficult in mid-life because of being at a crossroads with career fulfillment, having kids go off to college and the challenges of finding a suitable mate from a small pool of available men our age.

But I know for me that I have needed to go out there to find my guy and build another committed relationship because the thought of living without one is impossible for me to fathom. I will definetly admit that I have needed a guy to make it all better! The pluses in sharing my daily life with someone far outweigh continuing to live on my own.